I just need all of this in one place. So here, have a feelings collage.

THE PAST:



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sainfoin_fields: I HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED DOCTOR WHO SINCE MID-S2 (SEE ABOVE RE: LOL SENSITIVE and inability to deal when female characters are screwed over fdjhsd i'm angry about donna and i have never actually seen her)
toastandtea: it is a good thing you stopped watching when you did because that continues to happen way too much and to even more devastating effect!

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I thought about picking the show up again for Martha, but when it became clear she was going to be punished for not being Rose I stuck with loving her from afar, and I thought about picking the show up again for Donna but there was still this thing! This Ten-shaped thing that had torn down Harriet Jones and seemed fated to tear down every other woman he came across*. And this. And reports of Donna's eventual fate, which hurt me altogether more than the fate of a character I've never seen in action has any right to. And I Did Not Want.

(*Anyanka Syndrome: a pathological obsession with the scorned women of fiction. Done wrong, ignored, rejected, destroyed, left out and leftover. There are a lot of them. My diagnosis is acute and incurable, although treated periodically with liberal application of Princess Tutu, and is frequently a dealbreaker, ladies.)

And there is this other thing of mine, perhaps best called a Wendy Complex. You may notice that my DW username is quoted from the first two words of Peter Pan; you may notice the tattoo on my left arm of the perpetual child himself, scowling in anger that he must let Wendy go. There was a time I wanted text on it too, text from the last holdouts from my old broken indie scene of man-children now too old for this shit and trying to make it serious: in time, I know I must move on. My difficult relationship with the books of my youth; my misguided love of Order of the Phoenix; the reason I needed His Dark Materials. My love/hate of nostalgia. My adoration of Arcade Fire, and of Joanna Newsom. This quote (note that the song in question was also the current music on the previously linked post! ha!).

And then a man falls out of the sky and promises the world to a little girl; a promise he twice breaks.

She says she grew up, he says he'll fix that, and away they fly, she still in her nightgown.

Most probably, he will break his promise a third time. Because Amelia Pond was a bit fairy tale, and all children (except one) do grow up. Or maybe he won't and just this once everybody (every heart) lives. I doubt it. And really, I don't want it.

But what I sat down to record, before my endless collection of feelings hijacked my post yet again (really, see Rawles's post for my other feelings wrt Amy and Eleven and MAKING THE FUCK OUT; also, see this in comparison to this!) can be summed up as this: Doctor Who has come back for me. Harder than ever. I'm so glad -- so so so glad -- and oh my stars, I'm so ready.

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I instantly became gripped in the cold fear that Amy herself was not real, that her life would be undone back to age seven when the Doctor really did come back twelve hours rather than twelve years later. (This is a particularly relevant fear given my inability to watch the Ten years without freaking out about women's lives being destroyed and erased. Like a moon-sized-regret-for-even-watching-this fear.) (And my Susan Pevensie issues -- that when she grew up in Narnia it was okay but when she came back home it was undone and she was a child, adrift, with her whole life reduced to a nice dream. And nobody understood why she'd feel alienated from that dream or want to recapture her lost maturity, but that is another issue.)

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I WOULD LOVE IT IF RIVER WERE AMY'S BB. Given the last season's thematic stress of Amy as Wendy and the Doctor as Peter Pan, it would also make a BUTTLOAD OF SENSE since Wendy's daughter grows up more enamored of Peter than Wendy herself.

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Top Five Moments Relaying Just How Deeply The Doctor Has Damaged Amelia Jessica Pond in “The Eleventh Hour,” because it’s on my mind, and I happen to have rewatched it last night.

• Do her little red wellies count as a moment? Probably not. Okay well, how about the joyful packing, with “Amy’s Theme” playing and her toothbrush in her suitcase because she knows she’s due a proper journey.


• And when he comes back and she smacks him in the face with a cricket bat even though she knows who he is. Especially because she knows who he is.


• And how her voice cracks when she repeats, “Twelve years. And four psychiatrists.”


• And how she just can’t accept anything he says and steals a car just to lock his tie in it and gives him this look of hurt and mistrust with her sharp nails firmly on the beeper and inhales and exhales twelve years of being told that she was crazy.


• And when she comes back into the garden only to find the TARDIS disappearing again and the Doctor abandoning her again. If you look closely you can actually pinpoint the precise moment her heart breaks. ;______; This would be on my real top five list, I’m sure. I really think it’s this moment, not the twelve years preceding, that destroys her the most. And so it is this moment that also makes her emotionally real, and makes her a whole character, too.

More than anyone, I am beginning to feel, more even than Harriet and Martha and Donna (whose season I have never even been able to watch because just reading @marinersubmariner’s post about it destroyed my soul): Amy, they done you wrong. :(((((

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Meredith: apparently there's going to be an episode of S6 called The Girl Who Waited which is all about Amy and a tearjerker
Tris: i hope it is really about amy
Tris: and not actually about the doctor saying stuff about amy
Meredith: :/ me too
Tris: i have so many amy feelings
Meredith: the pictures of her being old are from that episode
Meredith: which makes me worry it's like she gets trapped somewhere to grow old and be miserable and everything is awful
Meredith: that seems likely
Tris: blerg
Tris: so she can have another fake life
Tris: i made a list in my journal
Tris: lives that amy has lost
Tris: 1. the life she would have had without the doctor
Tris: 2. the life she would have had if he had come back 5 minutes later
Tris: 3. her life with rory, post-crack and pre-pandorica
Tris: 4. 2000 years of stasis in the pandorica
Tris: 5. seven years in a world with no stars
Meredith: I'm going to cry :(
Tris: 6. twenty one (but really fourteen?) years without the doctor, with rory and her parents
Tris: which then negates 7. her main canon life as an orphan
Tris: 8. her pregnancy
Tris: 9. the time in which she thought she wasn't pregnant but was actually flesh
Tris: 10? her life as a mother to a child that would be a mystery
Tris: it is hard out there for an amy :(
Meredith: sorry I was on the phone
Meredith: it is
Meredith: she deserves less terribleness
Tris: yes
Tris: my journal entry ends with "i have to rescue her"
...
Tris: i am also interested in the fact that she grew up in a house with an unknown room and a monster feeding on her brain
Meredith: THAT FUCKING HOUSE
Tris: and then the four psychiatrists telling her she was wrong and crazy
Tris: and then watching the doctor die and having him lie to her
Tris: "amy is a self-reflexive verb. she only exists as the existence of her previous selves do not. amy remembers everything, but everything she remembers is some kind of a lie."
Tris: not rad
Meredith: feeling a lot of things

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#tbh i'm just as offended at the idea of amy gleefully romping anywhere as i am at it being nazi germany #i like super dark comedy #i like dead hitler #this seems like a good time to mention that my paternal family are eastern european jews #but the fact that not only do you traumatize and reset amy over and over and over again #you give her a SURPRISE BABY #WHO TURNS OUT TO BE RIVER WITH WHOM SHE HAS NO NOTABLE RELATIONSHIP #AND THEN SAID BABY DISAPPEARS AND AMY WITH HER SUDDEN ONSET MOTHERHOOD IS DEVASTATED #the followup from that is a gleeful romp????? #let's not like deal with anything OR ANYTHING #SEXY SCHOOLGIRL OUTFITS! #SEXY NAZI OUTFITS! #sounds legit #just what i'd do too #fuck you moffat #fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuu

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I think I will just... not watch Doctor Who.

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THE PRESENT:

A review of "Let's Kill Hitler."

Mer & I announced a fix-it ficathon for Amy and River.

The entirety of this tumblr. Relatedly, this conversation.


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Tris: poodle i have worked myself into such a state
Rawles: oh no
Rawles: what kind of state?
Tris: i don't even know what to do besides smother myself with a pillow while listening to adele and crying and my tears are also angry puke
Rawles: that is a STATE indeed
Tris: a LADIES FUCKED OVER BY DOCTOR WHO state if that weren't obvious
Tris: it probably is
Rawles: uggghhhhh
Tris: BLAGHHHH
Rawles: bleh
Tris: cry
Rawles: poor pdl
Tris: it has been so long since i have been in the depths of these feelings
Tris: these feelings of SUCH NARRATIVE BETRAYAL
Rawles: amongst the worst feelings
Tris: SUCH DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS THE LADY OF MY HEART
Tris: http://anygoddamnedcolleen.tumblr.com/tagged/doctor+who/page/2
Tris: looking at that gif
Tris: just under "you ain't forgotten everything"
Tris: which to me is so central and crucial to all things
Tris: it is about secret knowledge and different ways of knowing and resistance to assimilation
Tris: and also the fact that my basically my worst narrative squick is the mindwipe
Rawles: i am not a fan either
Tris: and that it happened to donna
Tris: and i was so crushed AND I HAD NEVER EVEN WATCHED HER SHOW
Rawles: YES
Rawles: I WAS SO UPSET ABOUT DONNA
Tris: AND THEN AMY SEEMED TO BE THE REFUTATION OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO DONNA
Tris: WITH HER WEDDING AND HER REMEMBERING EVERYTHING!!!!!!
Rawles: YES
Tris: BUT NOW EVERYTHING IS STOLEN FROM HER
Tris: ALL HER LIVES ARE RESET
Tris: ALL HER EMOTIONS ARE GONE
Tris: ALL HER STORIES ARE MEANINGLESS
Tris: and the gif of her crying as he leaves her again ;___;
Rawles: ;_;
Tris: and susan and growing up and everything
Tris: whyyyy
Tris: whyyyy


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THAT'S NO MOON.